something I realized along the way(game!set!match!checkmate! = lose)

well it’s been a long year but the thing is after all the mish mash and all the quarreling I realized "that isn’t me..."
I mean (for those who know me) I’m not plastic, its like in every group someone has to have something wrong, but the thing is I only made up a few mistakes that you would never see me doing elsewhere... I admit I don’t want to be corrected but I notice no matter how poised you are in your group you always have a mistake(it a normal thing to make mistakes) or there’s something wrong... so I told myself "hey why not I might as well try it anyway its just for added impression yada yada... blah blah blah"

*I admit in being an airhead at times but in a way I used it as my "defense mechanism" I mean I myself know to be a truly blue(fine)red blooded claretian you must master the art of "barahan" and the thing is I haven’t 3years running and I haven’t... in my case its not called/qualified as barahan, its called being an ass... hehehe, well as they say claretians are down to earth and what makes them ticked of are air headed assholes... in a way that’s my own way of getting back at people I cant make "bara"...
*I admit in being annoying to the high heavens but not as assertive, I only do that to create an image to complete the whole "I don’t care about a flying far quad about stuff"...
*I also admit to being a hot head not just because I don’t like being told off about stuff I already know but also because I don’t like being under...(I don’t know a very bad habit I've been trying to purge and I’m getting close to fulfilling it...)
*I also admit that I have the hardest time talking in tagalog... I mean I’m trying very hard but please don’t laugh cause I don’t even know what I’m saying, if im using the right term of the right preposition or the right "morpoponemiko" see... hahaha Im learning...that’s all I ask, it kills me to see that others cut me down when I speak in tagalog, that’s why I rather not talk...
*finally I also admit in being kind, I guess all my life I knew or rather I already know that Im a good person but I just refuse to, I just got caught up in the game wherein I was trying not to be like (southern people... you know what that means) that I was turning into one also because I got used to running things back at grade school that I came to realize that you have to be mean to get things, I just kept feeding my mind that "im the son/ spawn of the dark side" it was eating me up that I was soo far out of the shore that it was to late to eat my own words, doing it wont do anything... my parents used to tell me "why are you so timid", "why are you so shy around people?" cause that’s who I used to be...

----> If you’re shocked or angry that’s fine with me.. normal reaction, I've deceived you... and Im sorry for that...

on the other hand my trying to be a different person by adding different sides of me turned out for the worse. Kinda makes the statement "don’t start something you can’t finish" true huh!!!
well there are soo much stuff I would never admit that be ever related to me...
* Paranoia, I'm not a paranoid person... I made it a joke to one of my friends and in turn he kinda analyzed na "OMG, paranoid ka palang tao" well 100% not true
*mono-minded person. As I explained previously I have created a sort of appearance that "I don’t care" but the thing is "I do"... I don’t know I just don’t want to show it cause you know "my ego" wont forgive me... its not as if im super manhid and I don’t give a fark but I do... I just move in my own little ways so it’s not obvious that I actually did something good... as I said part of the "I don’t give a fark, I soo evil persona I created" hehe

all in all Im so so so so sorry for giving you guys(my best bud’s in the whole wide world) a hard time in trying to understand... but I guess in a way you also had time to practice your "shrink" skills on me... try to understand!!! I dint do all of this just for fun it was no premeditated... it just kinda evolved along the way and I just got caught in a big rut...

so if you’re wondering who am I... who is the person I spent most of my time with... I was still partly original... all our fun adventures that was the real me, but all the annoying conversations during our "lunch bunch periods" in the canteen that isn’t me... hehe just recall all the time I said something super overboard in purpose... that wasn’t me... cause I also have the tendency to say something foul w/o realizing after na "ohh shit... mali" hehehe... well
hope you don’t want to stone me to death after reading this... I hope you dint have a hard time trying to analyze what this means(agony in the garden)...

if you sum it all up who am I? = I am a person who just wants to be normal, who wants to fit in. but in trying so damn hard it just bounces back right at me... all my life I was trained to strive for perfection (meaning excellence) but not trying to be a boastful about it...I hate to admit it but… I guess I failed!!! In a way the reason why I blog is to tell people things I can't say personally, cause I feel that I can't accept that I actually made a mistake or that I was wrong...

now this whole thing is not plastic... for those who I really pissed off... Im really sorry... especially for you!!!for reading this... if you dont know me sorry dude.dudette for wasting your time... If you do know me sorry for being a pain in the ass!!! REALLY!!! (this is me swallowing up my pride...admitting = once in a life time confession!!!)